When we reported that squirting the fudgy nourishment from the chocolate teat into your mouth by the gallon counter-intuitively , many of our readers, cramming a last 100 Grand Bar in between their cavity-laced teeth, immediately defenestrated themselves. This led to a marked plunge in our readership, so much so that we were commanded from on high to find something good and quasi-scientific to say about our pal the cocoa bean.
So good news, chocolate lovers! You may be fat. Your skin may pulsate with oogy squirting craters. You may very well satisfy a midnight chocolate craving by sucking some left overs out of the huge holes in your teeth. You may always be depressed and prone to flinging yourself out of windows. But at least you can be confident that you’re a genius.
A study by the wheeling Jesuit University discovered that chocolate contains many stimulates like theobromine, phenethylamine and caffeine that heighten mental acuity while the chocolate is being digested. Milk chocolate is better for pumping up your IQ a couple of points, but dark chocolate is better for impulse control and reaction time. Gatorade might consider a dark chocolate variety to market, although next time a team dumps a vat of Gatorade on their coach, it’s likely to resemble some German scatologist’s most disgusting fantasy.