Most Consumed Ever, This Week

After astute analysis of the stretch marks on Katie Holme’s belly, the numerological value of the cellphone minutes Paris used while Brandon dissed Lohan’s drapes AND curtains, and a guest consultation by George Clooney who was mistaken by Wired TV for Congo IT pro Guy Keweny, the evidence is insurmountable: we wrote stories last night and you liked them. Some more than others. The alpha class of the litter:

Bausch & Lomb Has Made Singaporeans Blind Since 2004. Racist B&L execs ignored reports, attributed results to visual imperfections caused by natural slope or “slant” of their eyelids.

Customer That U-Haul Hates Sics BBB On Their Ass. Strangely enough, the Better Business Bureau is more equipped to take action on your customer service complaint than we.

How Many Tales of iPod Can We Tell? Best Buy Adds One More… They could at least speak up when trying to screw you out of your product replacement plan, jeez.

Come See The Softer Side of Sears’ Incompetence. A letter signed, “Oddly Satisfied Sears Customer, Kaje.”

Will The Real Guy Kewney Please Stand Up? He thought it was another hilarious BBC initiation prank. Those incorrigible Brits. When going in for an interview they asked us to please pass the marmalade. We’re still in stitches. Mainly because the confection jar was made of razors.

Finally. Barbie Goes Cheesecake. AKA Let’s Just Drop All Pretense and Gobble Money Trucks Shooting Forth From Barbie’s Invisible Vaginal Cavity.