Wal-Mart Hero Frees Man From Toilet Seat

What with Wal-Mart employees wanking off directly into the agog faces of our nation’s youth and all, it can sometimes be hard to remember that — yes! — real American heroes work there too. Average Working Joes? Maybe! But those dehumanizing blue smocks, those bright yellow smiley face buttons can’t bely the spirit of Akhilleus that surges through their veins.

So we’d like to kick-off what we hope will be the first in a series of posts covering Wal-Mart Heroes with this wonderful story: after a twenty year old customer went into the bathrooms and found himself superglued to the toilet seat, one brave employee heard his hysterical screaming and the sound of his fist smashing against the stall, rushed in and saved him.

Granted, if that customer had been 8 years younger, the Wal-Mart employee might have taken the opportunity of a captive, semi-clad audience to start groping himself, but we can’t ignore one man’s bravery and quick thinking for the sake of plausible hypotheticals. Remember, consumerists: that buttock-grafted potty sitter could have been you or royal we. Bravo, nameless Wal-Mart employee!

Wal-Mart Worker Finds Man Glued to Toilet [Breitbart]

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  1. SeekBalance says:

    I think I’d have be about 2 seconds from crapping myself before I’d park my ass on a Wal-Mart toilet.

    Shudder.

  2. Heh too true Seekbalance!

    But what we all want to know is how much the gentleman is asking for in the upcoming lawsuit for Walmart’s criminal negligence and the victim’s mental distress and post traumatic stress…