Amazing Phallus Stretching Device

It’s Good Friday, and we here in Ireland are a little bit angry. Not only are our Gawker overlords making us actually work today, but it seems Irish off-licenses don’t sell alcohol on Good Friday and the theological reminder that Jesus actually drank wine on the day of his death isn’t enough to get them to open up, no matter how many times we call the owner’s house and scream Bible verses at him.

Our mood isn’t any less befouled by the fact that the shipping for this eBay item — advertised as a “Penis Enlargement Enlarger Stretcher Enhancement Device” — comes out to an outrageous 35 dollars, even after the current price of $199. Apparently, it’s meant to be worn under the pants, which seems pretty awkward.

The seller mentions that the secret to the device’s elongating powers is the patented noose design. On second thought, we’re skeptical… like many young men, we’ve tried tying a noose around ourselves, affixing the other end to a door knob and then kicking the door shut as hard as we can. Amazingly enough, the experience made our penis smaller, not larger.

Penis Enlargement Enlarger Stretcher Enhancement Device [eBay]

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  1. Anabelle says:

    Well, actually, Jesus drank wine on the night BEFORE his death, aka Holy (or Maundy) Thursday. He was a little too busy being scourged and crowned with thorns etc. to sip Merlot on Good Friday. But whatever.

  2. Ben Popken says:

    Oh shit Brownlee, you just got PWNED by Jesus.

  3. Yes, but didn’t Ben Hur give Jesus wine or something?

    Joking aside, wasn’t he given sour wine when he was crucified by way of a sponge on the tip of the spear of destiny, before Hitler got his hands on it?