McDonald’s Can’t Keep Up With Undead Demand

It appears that McDonald’s still has a lot to learn about appeasing customers — in an ironic turn of events, McDonald’s is now under heavy criticism for not including enough human viscera in their Happy Meals.

Even as their arches rise like two sublime and tasty golden buttocks above the worst cannibalistic feeding frenzy the world has ever known, Mickey D’s just can’t seem to catch a break

The last few years have been tough on McDonald’s. First, it was discovered that beef tallow was added to their French Fries, outraging vegetarians. Then, miscellaneous severed human digits found their way into the hamburgers. And the last year alone has seen a litany of complaints stemming from McDonald’s tendency to top their ice cream sundaes and french fries with human blood.

Bad PR in more health-conscious times, but health-consciousness is now pretty much limited to not having your bowels shoveled like ropes of taffy in between the gnashing dentures of your rabid granny. Whinging vegetarians are a decided minority compared to the increasing zombie horde. And we all remember the cheer from the audience when a jet of Morgan Spurlock’s spinal fluid geysered into the air, as Oprah Winfrey ripped his head off and began feasting on the goo inside. Their critics silenced by undead armageddon, McDonald’s was pegged by many fast food analysts as having a resurgence in popularity. Yet McDonald’s can’t seem to satisfy customer demand for human flesh.

The situation has become bad enough that several McDonald’s franchises — unable to keep up with undead demand — have found themselves suddenly transformed into feeding orgies of human flesh scooped from the quivering flanks of the minimum wage staff. “Morale is low,” admits one McDonald’s manager. “To be fair, we’re putting as much human flesh into the food as we can, but these kids can only spare so many digits.”

McDonald’s corporate responsibility blog was quick to shrug off responsibility. “McDonald’s is committed to the happiness of its customers, whether vegetarians looking for a healthy snack or rotting corpses looking to gorge themselves upon a still-pulsing human liver,” Bob Langert writes. “Unfortunately, our hands are tied, as the US Government has been slow to slacken antiquated health regulation codes that prevent us from fully meeting the needs of our patrons. Please bear with us.”

Langert then goes on to mention that supply problems are not an issue at McDonald’s locations in “progressive” nations like China, North Korea and Afghanistan.

But as Reader Mildred Q. Anthropophogi, a Greek/American mother of two, writes in: “I never used to eat at McDonald’s, because it wasn’t healthy. But frankly, health is the last of my concerns now. Also, with many fast food restaraunts flat out refusing to feed undead customers (hello? Can anyone say “Deep South?”), McDonald’s seemed to be displaying a rare fit of social consciousness. But I still can’t eat this crap. What’s it take to get some fry cooks genitals in my McKebab anyway?”