Tin-Foil Hat File: Chattanooga McDonald’s Complaints

Most of the time, we get some truly excellent horror stories from our readers. Compare for a second the comments section of, say, a site like Superficial to our own. On the former, you will find dozens of gelid shut-ins feverishly describing what it might be like if Jessica Alba were to sit on the tip of their penis. On the latter, you will find thoughtful, engaged discussion. We love you guys.

That said, sometimes, our Tips email finds itself inundated with missives pigeon-typed by someone spouting off frankly implausible gobbledygook with a tin-foil hat firmly perched atop his coconut. Such as the following behind-the-scenes account of the Lee Highway McDonald’s in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Oh, it starts plausible enough: undercooked food, gross Flurry machines. We buy that, even though we wonder why the health inspector didn’t catch it. But then there’s some disestablishmentarianist rant about how McDonald’s is brainwashing America by giving out free food. Paradoxically, McDonald’s giving everyone free food (which has never once happened to us) appears to be why the average American is riddled with debt. Then, our intrepid correspondent claims that the McDonald’s managers at this franchise location spend their breaks “smoking crack cocaine”. Fuck, we can’t even afford crack cocaine — how can the minimum-wage monkey in the paper hat at a Chattanooga McDonald’s?

We’ve asked for some proof to substantiate these allegations, and will be happy to correct our initial impressions if we get them. But in the meantime, we thought we’d post it and let you guys make up your own minds. More after the jump.

McDonalds Report 001

The Grill: Raw hamburgers are being released from the McDonald
s grill on Lee HWY in Chattanooga, Tennessee. There are two sizes large patties and regular. The grill machine has a timer and a hot plate, which comes down over the patties and rises after a designated time. When I operated the grill I remember saying to myself,
There
s no way I can send these out like this,
as I noticed the pink inside. I decided to flip the regular sized thin patties over to let them cook. The manager who was observing my progress watched and then disciplined me for flipping them. I didn
t understand. The patties were clearly not cooked; yet, the manager insisted I not finish them and instructed me to send them out as they were. If you want red and pink hamburger meat, go to the McDonalds.

The Flurry Machine: I put in a lot of work when I was employed at the Lee Hwy McDonald
s. Management noticed my back and fourth work habits and I was soon instructed to clean the flurry machine. It was in very poor condition. It had not been cleaned in months obviously judging by the caked and stuck in flurry mix all over the sides. It took 2 hours to get it all off. There was no doubt bacteria inside which can be harmful if ingested. It
s obvious the management at the Lee Hwy McDonald
s was very loosely and poorly performed. I
ll never order anything from a McDonalds again.

Fast Food or Free Food: They call it fast food for more than one reason. In reality if fast food restaurants didn
t hand out free food too much of the American public, a lot of people would go hungry. The system is so difficult to serve that it is throwing much of the population in debt. Therefore it has been established that if you keep quiet about the secret you can get free food. However, there are many people who do not know of this. It is very difficult to be
let in
on these kinds of secrets if you have grown up to adulthood without knowing. It can become extremely frustrating to do a life
s work with the goal of keeping yourself alive and having struggled to practically death, and then find out you were an unwitting victim. No one has let you in on these types of things, and you see a life of wasted energy and heartache. There is often more than meets the eye when it comes to fast food service.

Managers often leave their post to go outside to their vehicles. Upon return one can smell the distinct odor or crack cocaine and sometimes marijuana. This was noted during my employment at the Lee Hwy McDonalds.

Comments

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  1. The Unicorn says:

    I think I agree with your original assessment — I can’t imagine that *customers* wouldn’t go apeshit over undercooked burgers, let alone the health inspectors.

    But my favorite part of this post was, “crack cocaine and sometimes marijuana” — because, you know, you only want to bust out the marijuana on those special occasions when being jacked out of your mind just isn’t going to cut it.

  2. sanloublues says:
  3. Danilo says:

    I must echo the editors’ skepticism. The message quickly departs from its tenuous relationship with realism and lucidity by the third paragraph, diverging instead into a world dominated by fragmentary thought and food giveaways.

    Did McDonald’s cancel its corporate blog yet? Maybe they’ll comment.

  4. Paul D says:

    Wow.
    Zany.

  5. RandomHookup says:

    Ummm, can we get back to that Jessica Alba thing?

  6. In fairness to The Superficial . . . the actual content of the website is some of the most brilliant stuff I’ve ever read, and they provide easy access to things like James Lipton reciting Kevin Federline’s smash hit (as in it makes me want to smash/hit him) single “Popozao.” Just sayin.

    Gander

  7. etinterrapax says:

    Of course, he doesn’t say he wasn’t one of the people smoking crack on breaks…

  8. Kishi says:

    I can only assume that, once the secret to this free food is found, the Consumerist will swiftly share it with us, their loyal fanbase?

  9. Danilo says:

    Say, I just thought of something. Chap says that this is “McDonalds Report 001.” Does this, then, indicate that more such reports are forthcoming? Perhaps Popken has been suppressing the remainder, as both the revelation of the free food mechanism as well as the terrible secret of space therein contained would surely end civilization as we know it.

    And then how would Gawker sell any ad impressions?

  10. AcidReign says:

    …..If you’ve ever worked in fast food, you’d know that there’s definitely a “free food” network. Every other little punk your age thinks they can show up where you’re working and you’ll get them free stuff. Speaking (at least before the days of computerized ordering systems) from experience, it was easy to put together a huge order, and ring it up as a single small order of fries. And a lot of employees did this, particularly if there was a lazy, stupid or corrupt manager on shift. And that’s not counting the stuff that goes home in employee gym bags and purses!