We Take the IKEA Catalogue to the Bathroom and Lock the Door

The new IKEA catalogue is here. Oooh. Touch it. Glossy. Slidey. Smells like snow.

Where are the people? Where the hot Swedes? All we see is furniture. Now we can’t understand how we would interact with these products.

INEZ, KNOPP, HAKADAL, ASPELUND, LILEHARM. Are we buying screw-together home durables or history’s failed anarchists?

Both models have infinite heat-setting controls.” We have difficulty comprehending the notion of infinite heat, much less the prospect of buying and controling it for only $499.

Cups, glasses, spices, canned food–everything will be easier to see and reach.” Kinky.
The solid birch countertops are oiled.” Oh baby, behave thyself.
Nickel-plated, clear lacquered steel legs.” —OH V
RDE!!!

We’ve seen more pictures with cats in them than ones with people. Can we get these cats at IKEA? Do we need to feed them special Swedish meatballs? Are they assembled together with a few simple screws?

Every few pages we flipped, an image of Tyler Durden flickered briefly in the bottom right-hand corner…

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  1. People Paula says:

    And enjoy your trip to the store, where everything featured in the catalog is sold out.

  2. nweaver says:

    “We have succumed to the IKEA Nesting instinct. Instead of reading Pornography, its the Horshank Collection ™.”

  3. Fairytale of Los Angeles says:

    I’m kind of disturbed that IKEA sells refrigerators (at least, out here). A fridge is not the sort of thing one can easily repair with an allen wrench.

  4. REAL SWEDISH WOOD! REAL TALK! CALL NOW! INGA IS STANDING BY WAITING TO TAKE YOUR ORDER! 1-900-HENSVICK.

    I heard they’re coming out with all-birch fridge, inside and out. Oh, it doesn’t actually work. But it sure looks cool as hell.

    ;-p

  5. garret2600 says:

    Thank God! I thought I was the only one seeing Tyler…

  6. moerl says:

    Reading that was good fun!

    As for IKEA.. they set records in terms of how much their customer support sucks, not to mention their horrible ratio of correctly packaged furniture with all the right parts inside and none missing vs. the opposite..
    When I’ve ordered from them I’ve ordered online. The funny thing is that even when you place an order, chances are the responsible IKEA rep will never see the data, lose it, or somehow conveniently forget to contact you about shipping and delivery. Delivery times can easily go into the weekS and then when you finally get it, at least one of the products has a part missing, or the wrong part included..

    Coming from Europe and having dealt with IKEA long before they ever showed up in the States, (this may be wrong as I’m just saying it without any backup in mind.. when did the first IKEA open in the US?), I’ve always known them as a reliable, good and very well priced manufacturer and seller of furniture. Over here, however…

  7. sanloublues says:

    I just bought a super cheap Ikea desk (they have a restaurant in the Ikea?!) and, thanks to my gf, had to walk through the whole dang thing. Anyways, it’s a decent computer desk, cost nearly nothing, and it has wheels. But the retards forgot to try using it after they designed it. The keyboard tray is useless for an optical mouse. It’s too shiny or something, so I either have to use the mouse on the desk or tape a piece of paper to the brand new tray. It’s advertised as a computer desk! Maybe the swedish have magical optical mice, but us mortal amerikaneren have to deal with reality. The only other desk I’ve had this happen on was a nice big antique one with a glass top. I’m really tempted to sand it down, watch it work and send them an angry letter in crappy swedish.

  8. thetourist says:

    IKEA sells the solution to your problem: it’s called a LÅGIS and sells for 0.79.

  9. Clampants says:

    I admit to liking (down from “loving” in the past year…since Ikea finally sprouted up in MA, so part of the “far away annoying drive” charm is gone) Ikea’s physical stores…but can someone address why such a BIG “CUSTOMER-FOCUSED” company has such an…an…abyssmal web site?

    Ordering from their site seems to have the catalogue of a mall kiosk (compared to real store inventory)…and the customer service (and user experience) is non-existent. My wife and I, out of laziness, decided to order a $12 curtain rod and suck up the shipping charges just because we didn’t want to drive an hour. FOUR DAYS LATER we get an email saying something to the effect of “Due to an error, you need to complete your order over the phone.” So my wife got to wait on the phone for about 30 min…and then just cancelled the order because it was so annoying. I would have taken less time to drive to Montreal, eaten some Swedish Meatballs, and picked up the curtain rod thingy…

    Wha? Huh?

  10. bigkens says:

    So what’s so special about IKEA seattle, san diego and houston. This is from the link to the 79-cent mousepad: Prices may vary at IKEA Houston, IKEA San Diego, or IKEA Seattle.

    Last time we frequented IKEA Schaumburg (woo hoo!) we got a discount coupon on the receipt but it wasn’t good at any of these stores, either.

  11. AcidReign says:

    …..I dunno. I never quite got IKEA. It’s kind of Pier I with enhanced sticker-shock. Me, I’ll take Fredrick’s and Victoria’s Secret for bathroom reading material any day!