Online Review Site for Video Game Prostitutes

Second Life is a sprawling online community in which subscribers, wearied by the employment and consumerism of their unmagical lives, log-on to a virtual realm where they can engage in such activities as holding virtual jobs and buying virtual goods. It’s post modern escapism at its most pathetic: at least those belching, LCD-irradiated sows pretending to be a virtual elf in other online games are doing something they can’t do in real life.

But if you’re the kind of guy who likes to spend real-life money for virtual services, you may be thrilled to find this comprehensive review archive of virtual prostitutes in Second Life. Safe for work, as long as your employer isn’t a long-distance speed reader, but not for sanity. “Women” (and really, there’s no way to know for sure online!) are scored according to sexual adventurism and the literary technique of the performance art Penthouse Letters they type into the chat window. Most of the site is far too filthy to quote for you, but here’s a great quote in which the reviewer puts upon the grammarian monocle he inherited from Fowler to dissect the literary prowess of his paid polygonal floozy:

The really cool thing about Alyssa was that she surprised me all the time. She used two types of sentences, for example, which I didn
t see an escort do before. On the one hand pretty long descriptions like:

Girl moans hotly and tilts herself back further… she practically sits on your face, her warm wet *bleep!* opressing onto your lips… she shudders and relaxes and suddenly, she
s spraying hot salty *bleep, dammit, bleep!* into your mouth!!

Also note the exclamation marks, a novelty as well.

Also a novelty, this moment of introspection on the part of the author: “Alyssa made… [it] clear I was really nothing but a little pisscunt, which is true I think.” Yeah, so do we.

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  1. The Unicorn says:

    Thank you, Consumerist, for introducing me to a new way to be creeped out by other people.

  2. Danilo says:

    I’m disappointed in your analysis of Second Life, Consumerist! I’m not sure if it was Joel or That Other Fellow who posted that bit, but you’ve really got it all wrong.

    I’ve been using Second Life for over two years now and the power of the medium is its creative freedom. You can literally build anything you want and you can literally be anything you want. You can become a robot, you can build the ultimate city of the future, you can recreate the beachside home you dreamed about last night. It’s an incredible medium and for creative types, it is unparalleled in its ability to set one’s imagination free.

    There aren’t many “virtual jobs” at all in Second Life (prostitution notwithstanding). Most folks making money there are creative people who have fun making things. A few of them are really, really good at it, though and do make a lot of money. Building robots for sale in Second Life got me through much of my last year of college, giving me enough cash to buy food and such, and actually be healthy. It wasn’t like a job for me, though. Not by a long shot. It was just me letting my imagination go crazy. As much as the press likes to over-expose the money-making aspects of the service, there’s really a lot more.

    You really missed the point of SL’s amazing potential in your post.

    The virtual nasty-nasty really grosses me out, though. It just so happens that if you can imagine a… bodily mechanism, you can create that, too.