Starbucks Contest Entries

We’re finally getting off our asses to post up the entrants to the Starbucks $500 Gift Certificate Contest. We’ve selected our favorites out of the entries and have posted them after the jump.

Later today we’ll put up a poll to let you all vote. Thanks to everyone who entered.

The titles are our creation, so don’t let those affect your judgement.

Costume Violence by Ben Sherman

I was wearing a costume at a halloween party, dressed just like a starbuck emplyee, green apron and all..

I was standing by the door of a Starbucks, where my friend had lent me the apron and name tag for the final touch, holding my cup of coffee whil he fixed my name tag. In walks a HUGS angry man, and he smashed right into me. My coffee flew everywhere, and he slipped on it.

As he began to fall, he greabbed my arm and pulled me down. He was red in the face, but it was not from embarassment, it was from anger.

As he rose above me and took his foot back to make a sweeping kick, the Manager of the store came out to see what had happened.

I scurried to the back of the store and I heard shouting about police.. That guy left in a hurry and never came back.

In The Year 2000… by Oz Guru

Picture this: the year is 2000 and a bunch of Aussie tourists – tired and cranky after a 14 hour flight-from-hell (complete with screaming kids and chucking-up drunks) which arrived too early in San Francisco. So early they kept the flight waiting for an hour on the tarmac before unloading. Staggering out of the airport, onto a bus into San Jose. The bus dropped us all at the hotel but the hotel refused to let us check in. We dumped our luggage and went looking for coffee in downtown San Jose, Sunday morning about 7AM. The only place open was… Stabucks (something we had heard about but never seen). We trooped in and looking in awe and wonder and the many choices. So many choices that nobody could work out what to drink. Finally one Aussie, exhausted beyond all imagination, staggered up to the counter and ordered the same coffee he had been drinking at home for more than 20 years. The employee looked strangely at him. He repeated the order. She went to get the manager. The customer tried again with an extra “Please”. The manager turned away and called the cops. After a long (and sometimes heated) discussion between the cops and the tourists, this particular tourist learned a valuable lesson. In the US you order a “large coffee without cream,” not a “long black.”

Like Poetry by Bob Dittman

San Francisco

Across the street from the office

ten fucking years in the row

the off duty crossdressing filipino gave
me the biggest smile every day and forced me to say venti

i would have jumped over the counter and kicked his ass

but i like filipino shemales

so i learned to say venti

Clash of the TItans by Gregg Schultz

A few years ago, back when I had principles (really important ones), I refused to use Starbucks’s stupid fake Italian names.
Especially since “Grande” isn’t even a large, which makes no sense whatsoever.
Anyway, I order a large coffee by saying “Large Coffee.”
Normally they just say/ask “Venti” and when I refuse to play the game and stand there silently, they make the coffee exactly how they KNOW I want it: Large.

So one day I go in to the same Starbucks where I order the SAME THING at the SAME TIME every day, 365 days a year, and the girl, who knows what I want, asks me what I want.

Me: Large coffee please.
Girl: You mean Venti.
Me: Whatever.
Girl: I’m not making it until you you say it right.
Me.: Are you kidding?
Girl: No, seriously, it’s called a venti. We don’t even have large.

Me.
Well, you obviously know what I want.
Girl:
Still, I can’t give it to you unless you order it right.
Me: You can’t, or you won’t?
Girl:
I can’t.
It’s a new policy.
Me. That’s stupid.
Isn’t there some policy about giving the customer what they want?
Girl: I don’t know what you want, because there’s nothing called “Large” here.
Me:
Well you managed to translate it a second ago, just like you do every day.
Girl:
Sir, rules are rules.

Im not kidding.
She said, rules are rules.
At this point, there is a growing line, and the manager is standing there listening and pretending to ignore us.

Me:
Excuse me?
Manager: Yes?
Me:
Can I have a large coffee please?
Manager: We don’t have large, sir.
Me.
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Manager.
Silent, but her eyes say, “Fuck you.
I may be making 6 dollars an hour, but I have control over you right now.”
She walks away.

By this time the line is getting rowdy.

Guy behind me (“GBM”): What’s the problem?
Me: They’re making me say Venti or they won’t give it to me.
GBM: You’re kidding me.
Me.
No.

GBM.
That’s fucking stupid.

Girl: Sir, can you step aside and let us serve the other customers while you decide what you want?
Me: I already decided.
I want a large coffee.
Girl.
We don’t have large.
Next in line.

GBM:
I’d like a MEDIUM Mocha.
Girl.
Grande?
GBM.
Look, bitch, I ain’t got time for this.
Give me the fucking coffee.
Manager: Sir, you’re going to need to leave.
GBM:
I ain’t goin nowhere without my mocha.
Manager: Then we’ll call the police.
On both of you.
Me:
For what?
Not speaking the Starbucks language?
Manager: You are trespassing and holding up the line.
NEXT.
Customer #2 (behind GBM), really loud and slow:
I’d like a . . .
(pause, turns to the line behind her) . . .
MEDIUM . . .

At this point, the crowd burst into applause.
The woman behind Customer #2, a large woman who reminded me of Queen Latifah, started yelling something really fast, the crux of which was, “We’re all speaking English today.
Now give these boys their coffee and let us get out of here.”
The crowd behind her started yelling “Yeah” and “Give they guyS their coffee!”
Finally, and only then did they manager and clerk realize that they had a mutiny of caffeine-starved customers on their hands.

Girl:
God, we’re only playing.

Me:
Ummmm, yeah, OK.
Can I have my coffee?

She then turned around, poured the coffee, and I’m not kidding, hands me a medium.

Me: I ordered large.
Girl: You said medium.

Me.
Silent, dumbfounded.
Girl.
That’s what happens when you don’t order right.
Me.
Am I on Candid Camera?
Manager.
No sir, you’re not.
And you’re not really welcome here anymore.
Me.
I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.
Is it a full moon?
Girl: $1.79.
Swipes my card.
Me.
See you tomorrow.

The next day, they were both gone, and I think I saw the manager one more time after that.
I thought she would run in the back whenever I went in there, or maybe she quit, but it was seriously the most asanine conversation I ever had.
I’m actually embarrassed to have been half of it.

Hurrrr? by DeeJayQueue

I went into a local sbx, and ordered my usual Venti Caramel Macchiato.
“You mean Large, right?” said the barrista.
= b l i n k =
“uhh… yeaahhhh. Large’ll do. Thanks.”

Comments

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  1. mrscolex says:

    I call a red flag on “Clash of the Titans” for creative embellishment of dialogue.

  2. Hawkins says:

    The Clash of the Titans cracks me up no matter how embellished the dailogue may be.

    Perhaps I like it so much because it resonates so strongly with my irritation at having to say their stupid made-up words.

  3. Rick says:

    Man,if I saw a Starbuck’s employee doing Gregg Schultz’s conversation, I’d laugh my ass off and make up some Italian words to order with.

    Good for her, make the job interesting…

  4. Archetypal says:

    I get stuck in line behind people that must do the “I don’t want to use your made-up Italian words” dance from time to time (this morning being one of those times), and I always wish I had the power to burn people to death with my eyes.

  5. micah says:

    as far as i’m concerned, if you go to starbucks, you’ve got no right to complain about their retarded vocabulary. you want to say LARGE, go to a regular coffeeshop (and pay 50% of starbucks’ prices, too). morons.

  6. AppTechie says:

    One problem with that micah…some of us don’t have a choice because there are NO OTHER FREAKIN’ COFFESHOPS LEFT!!!! I hate sbx…that’s why I make my own in the morning…30cents a cup :)

  7. micah says:

    apptechie – no problem at all, as you’ve found the best solution available. that is, so long as you’re not buying starbucks beans. :P

  8. OkiMike says:

    I don’t buy the Clash of the Titans story. As a former Starbucks employee, the policy is to point to the sample cups on display near the register whenever the cup size is in question.

    It’s funny to read though. My vote goes to “Like Poetry”.

  9. emilyfortune says:

    But these words aren’t made up… venti means 20 and the venti size is 20 ounces. Grande does in fact mean large, as does largo. Why is it okay to order dishes in Italian but not coffee?

    I understand the ridiculousness of their demand that you order the coffee by these names, but I also understand that a customer ordering a large might not be used to getting a large that is 20 ounces. That’s a very large cup of coffee!

    Maybe we need to show some understanding?

  10. Anonymous says:

    i just spent way too much time reading this – of course I see everyones point. Both have valid points. BUT (and me included) we should all feel very greatful that this is all we have to worry about. if all we have to worry about is what starbux call their coffee sizes then wow! I have lived in many third world countries where they would be lost for words if they knew that in another part of the world all we have to worry about is this stuff. In many of these countries they dont have a choice of drink let alone cup size. Dont worry about replying to this post – I wont be reading this page again – you all have a safe day.